A really short version of 'The Phantom Menace'
by ProcrastinatorsUniteTomorrow
Summary: What if the characters in 'The Phantom Menace' actually tried to logically solve their problems. We'd have a much shorter movie, that's what.
1. Lack of Judgement

**This is a one-shot, but I might consider making it a multi-chaptered story. Please send feedback. I OWN NOTHING!**

**A really short version of ****The Phantom Menace**

Nute Gunray, the evil bipedal slug, stared at TC-14, shocked. "What? What did you say?"

"The ambassadors are Jedi knights, I believe," responded the silver protocol droid.

Daultray Dofine, Nute's second in command, was obviously shaken. "I knew it. They're here to force a settlement."

Nute turned to Dofine. "Distract them. I will contact Lord Sidious."

Dofine looked at Gunray incredulously. "Are you brain dead? I'm not going in there with two Jedi. Send a droid. While we're at it, let's poison their drinks, too.

"Brilliant idea, Daultray. I wonder why I didn't think of that."

TC-14 entered the waiting room, carrying two drinks. The droid found the Jedi a bit fidgety.

"Is it in their nature to make us wait this long?" inquired Obi-wan.

"No," replied Qui-gon. "I sense an unusual amount of fear for something as trivial as this trade dispute."

The two Jedi then promptly took the cups offered to them and, completely ignoring Qui-gon's words, drunk the contents. A few seconds later they both fell down dead. The two Viceroys observed via a surveillance camera hidden in the room.

"That was ridiculously easy!" exclaimed Gunray.

Dofine agreed. "They didn't even question the contents of the cups." I thought Jedi were supposed all wise and wizardry."

Nute nodded. "Well, time to send in the invasion on Naboo. With the two Jedi dead, this will be quite easy."


	2. Use the Force Idiots

**Here is Chapter 2. Just pretend that chapter one never happened.**

**Chapter 2**

A hologram of Nute Gunray appeared before the battle droids. "They must be dead by now. Destroy what's left of them."

The droids opened the door and aimed, ready to blast the Jedi. Instead, a silver protocol droid walked out. "Oh! Excuse me," exclaimed the silver droid.

"Check it out corporal," ordered one of the battle droids. "We'll cover you."

"Roger, roger."

Two light sabers flared to life. "Uh oh. Blast them!"

The droids opened fire on the Jedi, but proved no match for the two. Droid after droid was turned into scrap metal. Back on the bridge, Nute Gunray, obviously nervous, turned to his adjutant. "What is going on down there?"

"We've lost the transmission, sir," she responded.

Dofine turned to Nute. "Have you ever dealt with a Jedi Knight before?" he asked.

"Well, no, but I uh…seal of the bridge!"

Dofine shook his head. "That won't be enough, sir."

Nute ignored him. "I want droidakas up here at once!"

"We will not survive this."

Back in the hallway, Obi-wan continued to slice up droids while Qui-gon tried to cut a hole in the door. Nute Gunray was clearly able to see the light saber from the other side.

"Close the blast doors!" he ordered. Two large doors reinforced the original. "That will hold them."

Qui-gon then plunged his light saber into the center of the door, slowly burning his way through. Dofine pointed with a shaking finger. "They are still coming through."

"This is impossible!" exclaimed Gunray, now clearly nervous.

Dofine was shaking. "Where are those droidakas?"As if on cue, the droidakas rolled toward the Jedi.

"Master, destroyers!" called Obi-wan. The two droids deployed and started shooting.

"They have shield generators! Quick, Obi-wan use the force to crush them."

The droidakas were lifted into the air, and then torn in two. Qui-gon resumed cutting through the door, now with Obi-wan assisting him. The door crumbled, revealing the two Viceroys. Qui-gon smiled. "Greeting, Viceroy. Shall we start the negotiations now?"

Nute Gunray gulped. "O crap."


	3. Why did you go to Naboo?

**Okay, here's chapter 3. Once again, pretend that the previous two chapters never happened.**

Qui-gon and Obi-wan had narrowly escaped the droidakas by crawling through the ventilation shaft. They exited the shaft, attempting to find a way off of the ship. What they found instead was shocking.

"Battle droids," Obi-wan observed, watching as literally hundreds of the robots boarded transport ships.

"It's an invasion army," said Qui-gon. "We've got to warn the Naboo, and fast."

Obi-wan turned to his master. "Why not just wait for the battle droids to leave, then we can just walk in and 'negotiate' with the viceroys."

Qui-gon paused for a moment. "That's a good idea," he said. "We could just shut down the battle droids from the ship."

Nute Gunray, in some sort of hurry, had ordered the transports to depart for Naboo before he had even searched the ship for the Jedi. After the main army left, Nute spread out his droids to try and find the Jedi. This proved to be a fatal mistake, as the Jedi easily dispatched of the small groups. Finally, the two Jedi made their way to the bridge.

"Hello, viceroys," said Qui-gon. We are the ambassadors sent by the chancellor."

"I would have never guessed," mumbled the slug.

Qui-gon ignored him. "We have seen the invasion army, and I'm not sure that the Galactic Senate would approve of you invading a planet. Now, if you would kindly shut down your droids, I believe that you have some explaining to do."

"Ah, master Jedi," stammered Dofine. "Although this invasion isn't COMPLETELY legal right now, if you'll just give us enough time to capture the queen-"

Obi-wan sighed. "Let's put it this way," he said drawing his light saber. "Turn off the droids, and no one gets hurt."

Newt gulped. He had two options. He could either comply with the Jedi, possibly resulting in a life sentence, or he could try to kill them with the hidden blaster hidden in his robe, call his droidakas to finish them off, and proceed with the invasion. The answer was an obvious one.

"I surrender!"


	4. Jar Jar wasn't needed

**Major Tom Lives, in answer to your request, there will be total of 10 chapters, with exactly half of them involving Jar-Jar's death. Thanks for the review. :) **

The two Jedi stood in front of Boss Nass. They had tried but failed to get the Gungans to aid the Naboo. Finally giving up, Qui-gon requested a transport.

"Wesa goin to give yusa una bongo," said Boss Nass. "Da speediest way to get to da Naboo is though de planet core. Now. Go."

Qui-gon did a slight bow. "Thank you for your help. We leave in peace."

Obi-wan turned to Qui-gon. "Master, what's a bongo?"

"A transport, I hope. It had better come with a user manual, because I don't know the first thing about piloting submarines."

As they were walking past Jar-Jar Binks, the pathetic Gungan made one last attempt for his life. "Daza seten yusa up," he said. "Goin through de planet core. Bad bombin. Any hep here would be hot, he-he."

Qui-gon felt a twinge of pity for the Gungan, and turned back around to the council.

"Master, we're short on time," Obi-wan protested.

"We need a guide," responded Qui-gon. "This Gungan might prove useful."

Obi-wan raised an eyebrow. "Master, this Gungan has proven himself to be cowardly and incompetent. I highly doubt he will be able to help us. If anything, he would be a burden, and we could always use the force to guide us. Plus, he's quite obnoxious."

Qui-gon paused for a moment. "That's a good point," he said. "Well, we had better be going on our way. Time is of the essence."

Jar Jar panicked. "Hey, wait! Don leave mesa here."

The Jedi ignored him and continued walking. Jar Jar gulped then turned to Boss Nass. "What are yusa gonna do to mesa?"

Boss Nass smiled wickedly. "Wesa gonna feed yusa to de Opee Sea Killer."

_15 minutes later._

The entire Gungan city gathered to watch the execution of the hated Jar Jar. The doomed Gungan was in the middle of an undersea-arena. His head jerked back and forth, hoping to see the monstrous fish before it saw him. He noticed a massive object floating towards him, but, being the idiot that he was, he assumed it was a giant floating rock. That is, until the 'rock' opened its mouth and snagged Jar Jar with its 50-foot long tongue. The Gungan screamed pathetically as the monster literally bit him in half. Everyone cheered the Opee Sea Killer on as it did the entire Star Wars universe a favor. Well, everyone except Bass Nass, who simply nodded and said, "Good riddance."


	5. End it now

**Ok, to any and everyone who is reading this story, PLEASE leave a review, even if it's just, "Great story," or "lol." No flames though. :) **

The ten battle droids guided Queen Amidala and the other high ranking Naboo officials down the streets. Their destination was 'Camp 4.' No one knew what that was, but it sounded sinister. Unbeknownst to the droids, however, were the Jedi and weird frog-thing waiting for the perfect time to ambush the captures. When the droids walked underneath a bridge, the Jedi seized the opportunity, jumping down with activated light sabers. The Gungan started to jump, but, realizing mid-leap how foolish that was, clung to the side of the bridge. The Jedi brought their full wrath on the droids, slicing them like a warm knife through butter. The evil droids were apparently not programmed with the ability to aim properly, resulting in a one sided slaughter. However, one of the droid's bullets missed the Jedi so bad that it ended up hitting Jar Jar (ok, so maybe the droids weren't all bad.) The prisoners were apparently expecting a rescue, as they just stood there watching the Jedi, looking almost bored. After all of the droids were destroyed, Qui-gon stepped over the dead pest without a second thought, and approached the queen.

"We should leave the streets, Your Highness," said the Jedi.

"Get their weapon," Paneka, the captain of the guard, ordered the other guards that the droids had brought with the queen for some odd reason.

Once they had walked a total of 10 feet, Qui-gon turned to Amidala. "We're ambassadors for the Supreme Chancellor.

You're negotiations seem to have failed, ambassador," said Bibble, a pessimistic geezer with one of the dumbest names in the Star Wars franchise (no, I'm not making the name up. That's his real name.)

"The negotiations never took place," responded Qui-gon. "It's urgent that we make contact with the Republic."

"Why don't you two just go confront the Viceroy right now?" asked Padme, the real Queen who dressed up as a handmaiden.

"They have too many droids defending the Palace," responded Qui-gon.

Now Obi-won spoke up. "Master, why can't we just force-jump up to the room that the Viceroy is in. That way we could completely bypass all of the other security."

Qui-gon paused. "That's a good idea, Obi-wan. Stay here, Your Highness. We'll be back momentarily."

The two Jedi force-jumped onto the roof of one of the buildings. They continued jumping from building to building without being seen y the idiotic battle droids. Finally, they came to the Palace. The duo leapt through the window, catching the Neimoidian completely off guard. Kenobi made quick work of the droids, while Qui-gon strode confidently up to the overgrown maggots. "Hello, Viceroy," he said. "I think you have some explaining to do." That was when Qui-gon noticed the hologram of an old guy in a cloak standing in front of the Viceroy. The guy was obviously evil, because his hood covered half of his face. "Who's that?"

The hologram laughed evilly. "I am your worst nightmare. I am the doom of the Republic, and the rightful ruler of the galaxy. I am a mystery, an unsolvable puzzle. I will destroy the Jedi order, and leave the temple in ruins. I-"

"Found it, Master," interrupted Obi-wan now behind the hologram. "The call originated from Palpatine's apartment on Coruscant."

Qui-gon smiled. "Good work, Obi-wan. Thank you for the monologue, Palpatine. It gave us enough time to trace the call."

Palpatine gulped. "O crap"


	6. Crappy blockade

**Onimiman Yes, I know the people are out of character, but that's a parody for you. And you can't pretend you didn't enjoy Jar Jar getting eaten.**

**13ASB Thanks, I'm glad you liked it. I'll try to keep it entertaining. :)**

**Lady Saxophone Well, that or Anikan could bring balance to the Force in Episode 3 when he realizes that Palpatine, being the Sith Lord, is responsible for killing Qui-gon, trying to kill him, Padme, and Obi-wan on Geonosis, and the war. Man, Lucas made Anakin stupid. :P**

**Major Tom Lives I agree, they really did over-complicate their work. That's Hollywood for you.**

The small group walked into the hangar, with a 20 droids guarding a single space craft and about 40 pilots. Captain Panaka pointed at the pilots.

"We'll need to free those pilots," he said.

"I'll deal with that," said Obi-wan, walking off to the side, apparently not realizing that after being freed, the pilots would have nowhere to go, as they were trapped deep behind enemy lines.

The droids didn't appear to have very good optical sensors, as they didn't even acknowledge the group until they were within 10 feet. Finally, one of the droids noticed the group. "Halt," it commanded in a mechanized voice. Qui-gon ignored the command, instead slicing through the Battle droids (made in China) reducing them to useless pieces of scrap metal. Soon Obi-wan joined in the fray, slicing droids with wild abandon. Everyone else, however, just stood there, not realizing that they could assist the Jedi by shooting at the robots. Finally, the droids were destroyed, and everyone piled into the craft. The droids had been to idiotic to disable it, so the ship started with no difficulty. The craft breeched the planet's atmosphere, now completely in space. Qui-gon turned to the pilot.

"Where are you going?" asked the Jedi.

"To Coruscant," responded the pilot.

"Then why are you flying right into the blockade?"

The pilot looked confused. "Um, we have to get passed the blockade to get to Coruscant."

Qui-gon rolled his eyes. "The blockade forms a RING around the planet. All we have to do is fly over or under it and we'll be completely unaffected."

"Hey, that's a good point," said the pilot. "Good call, Master Jedi. I see your incredible Jedi wisdom is helping us already."

Qui-gon rolled his eyes. "Actually, it was just common se—I mean, yeah. My incredible Jedi wisdom pulled us through another precarious situation."

"Uh, that's what I just said."

The cruiser dove, going underneath the blockade. On the blockade cruiser, Nute Gunray got a call. "Sir, we've detected a ship travelling underneath the blockade. Unfortunately, since the blockade is only a ring and the ship is well beyond our range, there is nothing we can do about it."

Nute slapped himself on the forehead, and then turned to Dofine. "This is all your fault!"

Dofine looked stunned. "My fault? How is this my fault? It was YOUR idea to blockade the planet."

"I don't know. It just is. And I'll make sure Lord Sidious know where to direct his punishment."

Dofine moaned. It was going to be a long day.

Back on the ship, Jar Jar was telling the astro droids about his day. Suffice to say, it wasn't very accurate.

"So wesa was in de core, an dem Jedi were like, 'O no! Wesa outa power! Wesa doomed!' den I say, 'no, wesa not!' Den mesa tun on de bongo all by mesa self an-"

Finally, the astro droids couldn't take it anymore. One brave and clever one, R2-D2 gave a whistle and a beep.

"Wha do yousa want?" asked Jar Jar. The droid started rolling away. "O, yousa want meas to follow yousa! Okee-day!" R2-D2 led Jar Jar to the air hatch. "Oo, a window! Mesa like." He didn't notice R2 seal the door, although, to his credit, he DID notice when R2 opened the air hatch. "Help! Mesa suffocating!" the pathetic amphibian screamed. Well, he TRIED to scream, but it's kind of hard to scream when in a vacuum. Just then, Panaka walked by, and noticed Jar Jar flailing his arms like a maniac.

"Did YOU do that?" Panaka asked R2. He was answered by a series of beeps and whistles. "I'd better take you to the queen.

_In the ships thrown room. (Some Republic. It still has a monarchy.)_

"-an extremely well but together droid," said Panaka. "Without a doubt, we would still be stuck with the Gungan were it not for his efforts."

"It is to be commended," said Queen Amidala. "What is its number?"

Panaka looked at the droid. "R2-D2 your highness."

"Thank you R2-D2 (BEEP BEEP WHISTLE MOAN) "Padme, clean this droid up as best as you can. It deserves our gratitude."


	7. You didn't need Anikan

**Well, I have decided to continue this story. However, I can't promise regular updates. For all I know, the next update could be in November. Oh, and as I couldn't decide which of these two ideas to put in, I'm just including both of them.**

**GoForTehGig: Well, I try. Thanks.**

**Ominiman: Well, to each his own. I'm just shocked that there is someone who actually likes Jar Jar.**

**LadySaxophone: True, but even then he should have realized that Palpatine was when he revealed he was a sith. Doesn't Anakin know that all sith are lying, conniving, evil backstabbers. That would be like supporting a dude after he revealed that he was a Nazi.**

**GirlFromNorth: Too true, too true.**

**Cakrawala: And that is why we have fanfiction, because sometimes we're just better than the director.**

**Joe the American: Yeah, why doesn't Yoda come and beat the crap out of Darth Maul…**

**Trakrat: I didn't realize people were still interested in this. You and the other reviewers have inspired me to continue. Thanks.**

Qui-gon strolled past a yard with junk beside a blue alien that resembled a cross between a hummingbird and an elephant seal. The alien, Watto, showed Qui-gon the object he sought.

"Here it is," said Watto. "A T-14 hyperdrive generator! Thee in luck, I'm the only one hereabouts who has one…but thee might as well buy a new ship. It would be cheaper, I think…saying of which, how's thee going to pay for all of this?"

"I have 20,000 Republic dataries," said Qui-gon.

"Republic credits?" asked Watto in disgust. "Republic credits are no goo out here. I need something more real…"

"I don't have anything else but credits will do fine," said Qui-gon while waving his hand.

"No they won'ta."

Qui-gon turned to the alien and waved his hand again. "Credits will do fine."

"No they won'ta!"

At this point Qui-gon drew out his light saber, activated it, and pointed it at Watto. "Credits will do fine."

Watto chuckled nervously. "Uh, sure, maybe credits will do fine, heh heh."

Qui-gon paid for the generator and had it dragged back to the ship. They then returned to Coruscant without that annoying little boy, and as such, avoided the Great Jedi Purge.

_Or…_

Qui-gon strolled past a yard with junk beside a blue alien that resembled a cross between a hummingbird and an elephant seal. The alien, Watto, showed Qui-gon the object he sought.

"Here it is," said Watto. "A T-14 hyperdrive generator! Thee in luck, I'm the only one hereabouts who has one…but thee might as well buy a new ship. It would be cheaper, I think…saying of which, how's thee going to pay for all of this?"

"I have 20,000 Republic dataries," said Qui-gon.

"Republic credits?" asked Watto in disgust. "Republic credits are no goo out here. I need something more real…"

"I don't have anything else but credits will do fine," said Qui-gon while waving his hand.

"No they won' you think you're some kind of Jedi, waving your hand around like that? I'm Toydarian. Mind tricks don'ta work on me-only money. No Money, no parts, no deal! And no oone else has a T-14 hyperdrive, I promise you that."

Qui-gon stroked his beard for a moment, considering his options. Finally, he spoke up. "In that case, perhaps we can settle for something cheaper, like a holocamera?"

"Uh, sure, I guess."

Qui-gon boguth the Holocamera, then used it to call Coruscant and request help. As the Trade Federation was no longer jamming the signal, the call got through, and a ship arrived to pick them just a few hours later. Once again, the Great Jedi Purge was avoided, they saved Naboo, and everyone lived happily ever after. Except Anakin. But then again, no one cares about Young Anakin. Talk about wooden acting. Eesh.

**I promise to update sometime in the next century. Oh, and Jar Jar should die next chapter. Just saying.**


	8. Don't just stand there! Do something!

**Another two-fer. Enjoy.**

**Ominiman: I didn't say that Watto being immune to mind tricks was a plot hole. I said that Qui-gon thinking that the only way off the planet was for some slave that they just met to win a pod race that he had never won before to collect the winnings so that they could legally get the engine and repair the ship was the plot hole.**

**DarkAngel: Apparently, not George Lucas.**

**Guest: Thanks.**

**Trankrat: Qui-gon can be amazing if he wants to be…but for some reason he usually refrains. A pity, as the movie would have been much better if Qui-gon was more willing to use 'aggressive negotiations'.**

**Askheim: And I love you, random reviewer.**

**Ayy Kaim: Considering how freaked out Watto got in AotC when he found out Anakin was a Jedi, Qui-gon didn't even need to pull out his light saber. All he needed to do was say. "Credits will do fine…oh, and I'm a Jedi." And that would have been that. **

Qui-gon and Anakin were running to the ship. They had been walking a few moments ago, but Qui-gon got a call from Obi-won saying that the ship's staff was serving hot wings, and Qui-gon wanted to get some before they were out. Unfortunately, Anakin was much slower than Qui-gon, and was left far behind.

"Qui-gon sir, wait! I'm tired!" he whined, which would start a trend of whining throughout the series.

Qui-gon turned to tell Anakin to shut up, but then he saw an approaching speeder. "Anakin, drop!" he yelled.

Anakin dove to the ground, and a mysterious hooded man flew just passed him. He jumped off of his speeder, pulled out a red light saber, and started dueling Qui-gon. It was really cool, but I'm too lazy to tell you the details.

"Get to the ship!" Qui-gon yelled.

Anakin raced to the ship, and Darth Maul and Qui-gon kept dueling.

Back in the ship, Panaka and Obi-won rushed into the cockpit.

"Qui-gon's in trouble!" said Panaka, as if it wasn't painfully obvious.

"Obi-won silently cursed the Naboo for making a ship that didn't have weapons. He then pointed to the two men fighting. "Over there, fly low."

The ship took off and started flying to Qui-gon and Darth Maul. Qui-gon then jumped onto the ramp, which was still down. Unfortunately, Darth Maul also took this time to jump onto the ramp. Hey, it was that or stand on the ground looking stupid as the ship flew away. Qui-gon, not expecting Darth Maul to follow him, was killed, and Obi-wan was killed shortly afterward. Pretty much, everyone on the ship was killed except Padme. Darth Maul forced her to comply ("You _will_ sign the treaty.") and the Sith lived happily ever after.

_Or_

"Get to the ship!" Qui-gon yelled.

Anakin raced to the ship, and Darth Maul and Qui-gon kept dueling.

Back in the ship, Panaka and Obi-won rushed into the cockpit.

"Qui-gon's in trouble!" said Panaka, as if it wasn't painfully obvious.

"Obi-won silently cursed the Naboo for making a ship that didn't have weapons. He then pointed to the two men fighting. "Over there, fly low."

The ship took off and started flying to Qui-gon and Darth Maul. Qui-gon then jumped onto the ramp, which was still down. Unfortunately, Darth Maul also took this time to jump onto the ramp. Hey, it was that or stand on the ground looking stupid as the ship flew away. In any case, the fight was not over, and the two men resumed fighting, only this time with more people who could get hurt. Obi-wan rushed down to join Qui-gon, who was able to fend off Darth Maul despite being surprised, and after another long fight scene that I am also too lazy to write, the two Jedi killed Darth Maul as they weren't separated and Darth Maul couldn't pick them off one by one. The only casualty was Jar Jar, who had wondered into the room to comment on how good the hot wings were, only to be killed by one of Darth Maul's slices. In any case, they returned to Coruscant, the movie went on, blah blah blah.

**Seriously, why were Anakin and Qui-gon running to the ship? What was the rush?**


	9. Investigative Jedi

**AylaKitofNiflheim: Yes, the Sith are awesome. "Join the Dark Side! We have cookies!"**

**DarkAngel620: Wow, your right! I guess Qui-gon was smarter than we give him credit.**

**TNTkitten: Yes, I am sticking with the ten chapter plan. I made a promise early on, and it's one I intend to keep...ok, so maybe its because I'm running out of material, but that doesn't change anything.**

**Chocolatam: Ok, I'll update.**

**Chocolatum: Wait, was that last post by you too? Oh well, you're right, aggressive negotiations do always work, as Grand Moff Tarkan demonstrated when he aggressively negotiated with Alderaan. Of course, everyone hates that example, but it was still cool.**

**Onimiman: Well, yeah, the Naboo couldn't shoot Maul while he was fighting Qui-gon, but they could have shot him after Qui-gon jumped on the ship. If they had weapons, which they didn't.**

**Vana Jedi: Obi-won didn't jump down to help Qui-gon because he prefers to fight in air-conditioned places.**

**Tavae Themisal: I hate those books. They seem to think I have the IQ of a Llama. The correct answer to most of those questions is a) none of the above, or b) grab a shotgun and go to town!**

**LadySaxaphoneo: Wow, the force is really convenient. "Hold on, the force just told me my mom is being tortured because I completely forgot my promise to rescue her from slavery 10 years ago."**

**Zelda12343: I keep wondering why they thought it was perfectly acceptable to take a young boy who might be the Chosen One into the middle of a war zone. You can bet Napolean didn't take his kids to watch him fight, which mean Napolean is officially a better parent than Qui-gon. Sad.**

**Storm Jedi: Thanks.**

**krizna14: I think Jedi training turns their brains to oatmeal. "You wear the blast shield because your eyes can decieve you. If you wish, you can gouge them out and save yourself a lot of trouble."**

**D34dP00l: Sounds tragic.**

Qui-gon, Obi-won and Anakin stood before the Jedi High Council. Qui-gon was furious that they had refused to train Anakin and brushed away his claim that Obi-wan was ready. However, the Council believed there were more pressing matters than some former slave from an obscure desert planet.

"Now is not the time for this," said Mace Windu. "The Senate is voting for a new Supreme Chancellor. Queen Amidala is returning home, which will put pressure on the Federation, and could widen the confrontation."

"And draw out the Queen's attacker," Yoda said wisely.

"Go with the Queen to Naboo and discover the identity of the dark warrior. That is the clue we need to unravel this mystery of the Sith."

"Go with you, I will," said Yoda.

Qui-gon was surprised. "But master Yoda, do you really think that necessary?"

Yoda grunted. "Much danger there is if the attacker is a Sith. To further study this matter, go with the Queen I will. Attack her once, he did. Attack her again he will."

Qui-gon opened his mouth to protest, but decided against it. He remembered how much trouble he had with the warrior last time, and Master Yoda would most certainly even the odds. Besides, if it really was a Sith, then Master Yoda's insight would be very helpful.

Mace Window, er, Windu nodded. "Go, and may the Force be with you."

Qui-gon and Obi-won bowed then left.

Outside, Qui-gon and Obin-wan talk about irrelevant stuff, followed by a long, boring conversation with Anakin about something called 'midi-chlorian,' an incredibly important micro-organism that gives life and knowledge of the Force, and the fact that it wasn't mentioned at all in the original trilogy means absolutely nothing. At this point, two taxis pull up carrying Panaka, Amidala, Palpatine, Padme, Jar Jar, Yoda, and a couple of extras.

"Your Higness, it is our pleasure to continue to serve you," said Qui-gon.

"I welcome your help," responded Amidala. "Senator Palpatine fears the Federation means to destroy me."

"I promise you, I will not let that happen," said Qui-gon.

"Leave Skywalker, you must," said Yoda.

Qui-gon turned to Yoda, shocked. "But Master Yoda, he is under my care. He has nowhere else to go."

Yoda grunted. "Watched over, he will be. Dangerous it would be for him to come. Die he might."

Qui-gon sighed. Why did Yoda always have to be right? "Alright."

Anakin had tears in his eyes. "But Master Qui-gon…"

"Yoda is right. It is far too dangerous for you to come along. We will return soon, and then your fate will be decided."

Anakin started to cry, at which point he was led away by an extra. Everyone else boarded the ship.

"Wesa goen home!" squealed Jar Jar.

Meanwhile, on Naboo, a hologram of the not-quite-yet-Emperor appeared to the Viceroy. "The Queen is on her way to you. I regret she is of no further use to us. When she gets there, destroy her."

Nute nodded. "Yes, my Lord."

"Viceroy, is the planet secure?"

"Yes my Lord, we have complete control of the planet now."

"Good. I will see to it that in the Senate, things stay the way they are. I am sending Darth Maul to join you. He will deal with the Jedi."

"Yes, my Lord," said Nute. To his credit, he waited until after the Hologram faded before he fainted.

"A Sith Lord with us?!" asked Rune rhetorically, unaware that his boss had just passed out.

Meanwhile, on the Queen's ship, the Queen was holding a meeting.

"The moment we land the Federation will arrest you and force you to sign the treaty," said Panaka.

"I agree," said Qui-gon. "I'm not sure what you hope to accomplish by this."

"I'm going to take back what is ours," said Amidala.

"Too few of us, there are. Fight a war, we can not," replied Yoda.

The Queen turned to the most useless person there. "Jar Jar Binks," she said.

Jar Jar, who had just learned not to stick his tongue in the electrical outlet, turned to the Queen. "Mesa, Your Highness?"

"Yes. I need your help."

The Cruiser landed on Naboo, completely undetected in spite of the fact that it had absolutely no cloaking devices or any way to stay off sensors. Jar Jar was on his way to the Gungan City.

"Jar Jar is on his way to the Gungan City, Master," said Obi-wan.

"Good," said Qui-gon.

"Do you think the Queen's plan will work?" ask Obi-wan.

"When a common foe there is, even the oldest enemies unite," said Yoda. "Help us the Gungans will."

Jar Jar arrived in the Gungan City, apparently oblivious that if anyone was there, they would kill him. Fortunately for him, nobody was there, so he returned to the surface.

"Darsa nobody dare."

"They must have been attacked by the Trade Federation," said Qui-gon insightfully.

"Do you think they were taken to camps?" asked Obi-wan.

"More likely they were wiped out," said Panaka.

Jar Jar pointed a finger at Panaka. "Mesa no tink so."

"Do you know where they are?" asked Qui-gon.

"When in trouble, Gungans go to sacred place. Mesa show you, come on, mesa show you."

Our company of heroes went to the gungans, and after a boring talk, some mind tricks by Yoda, and a plot twist that did not affect the story whatsoever, the Gungans agreed to show that the Naboo and Gungans were equal by immediately doing exactly what the Naboo told them.

(Due to my laziness, I'm just going to skip forward to the interesting part.)

Our heroes were running toward the door, when it opened, slowly and dramatically, to reveal a cloaked dude with horns on his head and a passion for tattoos. The group stopped short, apparently not realizing they could shoot him right now while he was unarmed.

"Handle him, I will," said Yoda. He then turned to Qui-gon. "Protect the Queen, you must." Qui-gon bowed, then he and Obi-wan followed the Queen the long way, casually killing a couple destroyer droids as they went. Yoda and Darth Maul then drew their lightsabers, and the battle was on. After several minutes of intense fighting, Darth Maul killed Yoda.

Just kidding! Boy, I wish I could have seen the looks on your faces. No, Yoda very easily defeated Darth Maul, who got dizzy from watching Yoda hop around so much.

Meanwhile, on the plains, the droids easily defeated the Gungans, proving they were superior to the Stormtroopers who got creamed by Ewoks. The droids then decided to execute the head gungans to make things easier. Jar Jar was wishing he hadn't been promoted to general right up until they shot him.

Back with the Queen, the Jedi made things a whole lot easier, fighting to the evil Chinese aliens, er, Viceroy. They then forced the Viceroy to turn off the droids, saving everyone without unnessecarily endangering some 8 year old boy flying into the middle of the control ship, coming incredibly close to dying, and uttering the single most annoying line in the Star Wars franchinse ("Now this is pod-racing!" "Moan, whistle!"{Translation: Shup up!}).

**I had a hard time fitting this into the story, but I have to say it: if the Naboo really are so peaceful, why the did Amidala use a decoy even before the Federation invaded? She was so paranoid she used a decoy that was about twice her age, but she didn't believe in using guns? You know, except for those guns she kept hidden in the throne. Yeah, totally peaceful.**


End file.
